#17: Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball

White men can fight?

After the awesomeness that was ActRaiser last week I find myself stuck with a game I was dreading. I don't like basketball. I don't know that combat would add much to a game of basketball. And I don't have a clue who Bill Laimbeer is so having his name in the title doesn't encourage me in any way.

One game only, please!

Apparently the game comes with a league you can save. This is actually interesting. If I wanted to keep playing I would totally go investigate what goes on in a league. But after having played twice I can safely say I've had my fill of combat basketball.

Score!

My first game ended 5-4 in the computer's favour. Yes, a basketball game with only 9 points scored between the two teams. It turns out the 'combat' part basically means you have a diving double-punch button that knocks down anyone you hit and gives you the ball if they have it. Combine that with making it almost impossible to pass the ball (you can't really tell where your teammates are from the mini-map and the AI for your friends is terrible) and you actually don't make very much progress. Basically you have two guys from each team punching themselves at the middle of the court.

Victory!

After playing once and losing by one point I wanted revenge. I was going to play again, and I was going to win. Before doing so I decided to look up the controls on the internet since I couldn't seem to find a way to make any of the buttons do anything except for B. It turns out that's because they don't do anything. B is for passing, shooting, jumping, and attacking. Yes, on a controller with 6 easy to hit buttons they crammed everything into a single button. It's like playing a Commodore 64 game on a SNES. When you only have one button it's pretty cool to see different ways to use the button. When you have 6? Use them! You idiots!

At any rate I won the second game 18-17. I figured out a good way to score points... You see, after you score a basket the other team has to pass the ball out from under the basket. And the AI only brings those two players back. So you send one of your guys up to punch the received as soon as he gets the ball. Then you punch the guy who passed the ball. With them both down you get time to take one shot from close range. Turns out a lot of those shots go in. Of course, once I'd scored a bunch the computer started cheating and every one of his shots would go in. So I had a big lead at half time and then he started spawn camping my net after he scored just like I'd been doing. Except all his shots went in. Eventually I broke out (power-ups spawn on the field so you can actually escape containment if you get a run speed buff and a heat seeking missile) and managed to score a couple more times to win. Woo?

I have a feeling my brother rented this once as a kid and I'd then blocked it out of my mind. The characters seem familiar enough that I don't think this is new to me but I didn't remember just how terrible it was. Maybe it's better with another human? More likely we just keep punching each other at the middle of the court. This game is terrible and I can't recommend anyone ever play it. Now or when it came out.

Rating: F-